Comedy has existed as a form of storytelling for millennia: The oldest-known joke — about flatulence, no less — dates as far back as 1900 BCE. Since then, humor has evolved and gone through countless iterations: monologues, slapstick physical performances, observations and rants, deadpan deliveries, and, of course, the traditional one-liners.
Relying on wordplay, irony, or unexpected twists, these whip-smart witticisms usually deliver a setup and punchline within just a few short words. In the 1980s, the one-liner joke started to fall out of favor as “alternative” comedians fostered more nuanced and long-form deliveries — but the classics, as they say, never go out of style. Here are some of the best one-liners from timeless talents such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, Steven Wright, and more.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.Rodney Dangerfield
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”Mitch Hedberg
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.Rita Rudner
I saw a bank that said “24-hour banking,” but I don’t have that much time.Steven Wright
My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until the accident.Jimmy Carr
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.Paula Poundstone
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.Graham Norton
If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.Demetri Martin
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.Sara Pascoe
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.Jim Gaffigan
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.Norm MacDonald
I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.Wendy Liebman
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.Joan Rivers
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.Milton Berle
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.Groucho Marx
Photo credit: George Rose/ Hulton Archive via Getty Images
