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The Best One-Liner Jokes From Comedy Legends

Comedy has existed as a form of storytelling for millennia: The oldest-known joke — about flatulence, no less — dates as far back as 1900 BCE. Since then, humor has evolved and gone through countless iterations: monologues, slapstick physical performances, observations and rants, deadpan deliveries, and, of course, the traditional one-liners.

Relying on wordplay, irony, or unexpected twists, these whip-smart witticisms usually deliver a setup and punchline within just a few short words. In the 1980s, the one-liner joke started to fall out of favor as “alternative” comedians fostered more nuanced and long-form deliveries — but the classics, as they say, never go out of style. Here are some of the best one-liners from timeless talents such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, Steven Wright, and more.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”
Mitch Hedberg

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I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner

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I saw a bank that said “24-hour banking,” but I don’t have that much time.
Steven Wright

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My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until the accident.
Jimmy Carr

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Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone

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A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
Graham Norton

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If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
Demetri Martin

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You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
Sara Pascoe

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Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan

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Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.
Norm MacDonald

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I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
Wendy Liebman

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I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.
Milton Berle

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I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx

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Photo credit: George Rose/ Hulton Archive via Getty Images

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About the Author
Nicole Villeneuve
Nicole is a writer, thrift store lover, and group-chat meme spammer based in Ontario, Canada.
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