Article image

20 Nuggets of Wisdom From Relationship Expert Esther Perel

Esther Perel might be the most famous couples counselor in the world. The Belgian-born psychotherapist not only works with families and people in New York, but has become a public source of knowledge, comfort, and creative insight for the many fans of her podcasts, books, and philosophies on navigating modern relationships.

Perel’s debut book, 2006’s Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, might have nudged her into the public eye, but it was the 2017 podcast Where Should We Begin? that truly launched Perel into the role of a relationship guru. (She released her second book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, in 2017.)

Where Should We Begin? invites the listener to be a fly on the wall during Perel’s counseling sessions — and her expertise is immediately clear and impressive. Each episode of the podcast focuses on the intimate journey between one couple as they tell their story in therapy.

It’s an absorbing and enlightening listen, one that entertains without feeling exploitative. In late 2019, Perel also launched a second podcast, How’s Work?, that tackles many of the same interpersonal struggles, but between co-workers instead of couples.

Throughout her work, Perel is consistently generous about what makes a relationship successful, insightful about the conflicting desires within a partnership, and realistic — even authoritative — about how expectations don’t always match up with societal and personal realities. Read on for some essential relationship advice from the one and only Esther Perel.

The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

Share Quote

Love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time.

Share Quote

In relationships, trust isn’t a promise to never hurt each other. It’s the risk that we will hurt each other and the confidence that, if we do, we will come together to heal.

Share Quote

Listen. Just listen. You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality.

Share Quote

We will have many relationships over the course of our lives. Some of us will have them with the same person.

Share Quote

Friendship is not a long-term commitment. It is a reliable gift.

Share Quote

We all need freedom and security, which is why when the world doesn’t feel safe, we often don’t feel as free.

Share Quote

Happiness is an outcome, not a mandate.

Share Quote

Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.

Share Quote

When you pick a partner, you pick a story — and often, you will be recruited for a play you didn’t audition for.

Share Quote

If you want to empower yourself to have the energy to help create a more just and safe world, do not deny yourself the right to feel and to self-soothe.

Share Quote

Assertiveness is a dialogue, aggressiveness is a debate.

Share Quote

There is no love without the threat of loss.

Share Quote

Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.

Share Quote

The seeds of intimacy are time and repetition. We choose each other again and again, and so create a community of two.

Share Quote

You can’t change people but you can change the way we dance with each other.

Share Quote

Co-creating a sense of belonging is one of the most satisfying aspects of having relationships at all.

Share Quote

Keep yourself open to a gradual unfolding of a person’s many layers.

Share Quote

If we want our partner to be vulnerable with us, we have to accept that true vulnerability is not a mandate. It’s a possible outcome that grows out of closeness and trust.

Share Quote

Love is a practice. It’s an active word and it is conditional.

Share Quote

Featured image credit: Vivien Killilea via Getty Images

Author image
About the Author
Nicole Villeneuve
Nicole is a writer, thrift store lover, and group-chat meme spammer based in Ontario, Canada.
Play more header background
Play more icon
Daily Question
Who said, "If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there"?

More Inspiration

happiness theme icon

The world only exists in your eyes... You can make it as big or as small as you want.

separator icon
F. Scott Fitzgerald
motivation theme icon

We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can.

separator icon
Amy Schumer
hope theme icon

The only thing we can do is honestly learn from our falls.

separator icon
Ai Weiwei
love theme icon

Take a canvas. Put a mark on it. Put another mark on it.

separator icon
Jasper Johns
wisdom theme icon

Stay hungry, stay foolish.

separator icon
Steve Jobs
happiness theme icon

Many are the wonders of the world, and none so wonderful as man.

separator icon
Sophocles
motivation theme icon

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others.

separator icon
Dalai Lama
hope theme icon

Optimism is a happiness magnet.

separator icon
Mary Lou Retton
love theme icon

The first time you do something only happens once.

separator icon
Chris Burden
wisdom theme icon

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

separator icon
Carl Sandburg
happiness theme icon

Just because things hadn't gone the way I had planned didn't necessarily mean they had gone wrong.

separator icon
Ann Patchett