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15 Funny Quotes About Love and Relationships

Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright August Wilson once wrote, "All you need in the world is love and laughter. That's all anybody needs. To have love in one hand and laughter in the other." Fortunately, the two often feed into each other — love can be, and frequently is, hilarious. It's not just inspiration for poets and songwriters; it's also fodder for comedic luminaries such as Jerry Seinfeld and Mindy Kaling, who have used their wry observations about love for stand-up routines and LOL-worthy memoirs.

What makes these observations about love and marriage so funny is their purview. Where acknowledging the grandness of love puts stars in our eyes, witty remarks about relationships typically concern the everyday minutiae — those little annoyances that result from sharing space with someone, in bathrooms and in your feelings. From the thrill of the chase to the secrets of a successful marriage, here are 14 funny quotes about love and relationships.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic — you need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
— Jerry Seinfeld

When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band… Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right.
— Chris Rock

I’m happily married, but I would say once a week, I catch my wife looking at me like, “I’m going to have to let you go.”
— Jim Gaffigan

Women get in more bad relationships than men. Why? Because men see red flags and they bolt. Women see red flags and they say, “I can fix that.”
— Gina Brillon

The divorce rate is sky high so everybody is just lying their asses off. Why don’t we come clean? Let’s be honest. Instead of standing there saying until death do you part, let’s just go: “Ah, I’ll give it a shot.”
— Wanda Sykes

I used to say the secret of marriage was having separate bedrooms. But now I think it’s having separate countries.
— Eric Idle

By the time I finished my first marriage, all I wanted was a Johnson’s-baby-shampoo relationship — maybe not squeaky clean, but at least one with no more tears.
— Niecy Nash

Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
— Paul Reiser

I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame.
— Mindy Kaling

When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.
— Jenny Lawson

Trying relentlessly to make you love me, but I don’t want the love — I quite prefer the quest for it. The challenge. I am always disappointed with someone who loves me — how perfect can he be if he can’t see through me?
— Carrie Fisher

Perhaps we will end up one of those sad childless couples who spend all their time sleeping late, buying luxury goods, traveling the world, and enjoying each other’s company. That would be terrible.
— Michael Ian Black

One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When [Barack] enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, "Why are you in here?" And he’s like, "I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?"
— Michelle Obama

I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.
— Cameron Esposito

When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.
—Jenny Lawson

Trying relentlessly to make you love me, but I don’t want the love — I quite prefer the quest for it. The challenge. I am always disappointed with someone who loves me — how perfect can he be if he can’t see through me?
— Carrie Fisher

Perhaps we will end up one of those sad childless couples who spend all their time sleeping late, buying luxury goods, traveling the world, and enjoying each other’s company. That would be terrible.
—Michael Ian Black

One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When [Barack] enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, "Why are you in here?" And he’s like, "I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?"
— Michelle Obama

I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.
— Cameron Esposito

Photo credit: freestocks/ Unsplash

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About the Author
Courtney E. Smith
Courtney E. Smith is an author, podcaster, and editor based in Dallas, Texas.
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