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13 Funny Quotes About New Year’s Resolutions

When the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, confetti explodes and noisy crowds around the world ring in the new year. But close on the heels of those celebrations are all the annual resolutions that begin in the quieter first days of January: to become that better version of ourselves, get healthier, stop procrastinating, start meditating, quit that habit, finally, this year, for real.

In reality, many of us will see our resolutions slip away like sands through the hourglass. According to a Forbes survey, most resolutions last only two to three months on average, and after a full year, just 6% of resolution-makers claim to still be sticking to their goals. Even knowing those less-than-stellar statistics, a large portion of us are optimistic and hopeful enough to continue setting new intentions year after year.

Still, the ill-fated tradition of creating resolutions has long been prime fodder for humor. Consider this collection of funny quotes a toast to the fraught nature of New Year’s resolutions — or at very least, an opportunity to smile and remember not to take it all too seriously. Cheers to a new year!

I don’t call them New Year’s resolutions. I prefer the term “casual promises to myself that I’m under no legal obligation to fulfill.”
Jim Hunt

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I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
Anaïs Nin

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My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying “You go, girl” to myself.
Zach Galifianakis

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My wife challenged me to make New Year’s resolutions I can keep. So I’m determined and committed to becoming fatter, lazier, and older this year.
Jon Clark

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Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Mark Twain

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I set out a box of donuts at work today just to see how many New Year’s resolutions I could mess with.
John Wagner

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You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time [my New Year’s resolution is] I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

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Dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.
Helen Fielding

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I decided to break all my resolutions early, so I can start enjoying the rest of the year.
Glen and Gary McCoy

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New Year Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
James Agate

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May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
Joey Adams

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New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it.
Charlie Brooker

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Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.
Dave Beard

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Featured image credit: Nokuro/ Shutterstock

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About the Author
Kelley J. Leigh
Kelley J. Leigh is a creative non-fiction writer and mixed-media artist based in Seattle, Washington.
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